Recently, while on a cross-country flight, the pilot got on the intercom system to make his completely worthless announcements (note that some details have been changed because either I just don't care to remember them or else I simply don't want to give real information for no apparent reason):
"Folks, welcome aboard flight 1135093 with service to New Brunswick. We've just reached 10,000 feet and it's safe to use approved electronic devices now. Please remain in your seats until I've turned off the fasten seat-belt sign when we reach our cruising altitude of 42,530 feet. The current weather at our destination is sunny and 92.94 degrees with winds coming out of the southwest at 6.244 miles per hour. Sit back, relax, and enjoy this 4 hour and 6 minute flight."
Does this sound familiar? Of course it does, because every flight everywhere gives the same useless information. Anyone but people with severe OCD would find much of this information very aggravating. As an exercise, let's pick apart each piece of information and determine why it may, or most likely definitely would not, be important:
"Welcome aboard flight 1135093..." - Who honestly gives a second thought to a flight number? The only reason it matters is when a plane crashes, right?
"with service to New Brunswick..." - Another piece of useless information. If you're on a plane and you don't know where you're going, you might need to get some help.
An aside: while much of the disclosed information is useful, it is not useful during a flight. A flight number and destination, for example, are useful in finding your gate at the airport. However, once you are on a flight, it doesn't matter anymore. You're going where the pilot takes you. Period.
"We've just reached 10,000 feet..." - This information is almost useful because the next few words are. However, any altitude numbers are completely unnecessary. More on this in a minute.
"it is now safe to use approved electronic devices now..." - Finally! A piece of relevant, useful information. If you are a smart person, you will immediately put on your headphones when you hear this phrase and drown out everything else.
"Please remain in your seats until I've turned off the fasten seat-belt sign..." - Two in a row! While I do feel like the pilot may have too much dominion over the passengers, literally being able to tell them when it's alright to go to the bathroom, this is another important announcement. It should be noted, however, that people often deem themselves to be more important than the rules and get up as they please regardless.
"When we reach our cruising altitude of 42,530 feet..." - Another pointless altitude announcement! We could be flying 100 feet off the ground for all I care, the plane functions much the same at any height. Why do I need to know the altitude? So I can brag to my friends? "Well, my plane cruised at 45,000 feet!" That's lame, even by Brilliant Observation's standards. The only altitude I might be concerned about would sound like this, "Folks, we're losing altitude at a tremendous rate. Please make peace with your respective deity, and we will be landing shortly."
"The current weather at our destination is..." - Another deceptively useless piece of information. What does the weather several hundred miles away matter to you in a climate-controlled airplane? Nothing. This is another case of good information at a pointless time. However, I do have a beef with announcing it at all. When was the last time that you changed your plans based on the weather announcement? For me, I don't walk out of an airport into a blistering hot day and think, "Thanks goodness the pilot warned me it would be 93 degrees. I would've sworn it was 90!" Same thing with precipitation. It'll be very obvious the second you look out the window if it is raining or snowing, I don't need a pilot-turned-weatherman to give me a micro-cast of the area.
"Sit back, relax, and enjoy the rest of this 4 hour, 6 minute flight..." - We'll call this one a push. While flight time information might be useful, it is somewhat irrelevant. You should have an idea of the flight time well before you board the plane. It's right on your ticket, after all. On the other hand, the pilot always seems very pleased to tell everyone they'll be arriving 7 minutes early. This is where it is irrelevant, because what does it matter while you're on the plane? You can't phone someone to tell them you'll be arriving early. You just sit there and hope that they'll be ready for you 7 minutes early. Furthermore, most of the time you arrive "early," either the plane is stuck on the taxi-way or the bags are delayed at the carousel or your ride wasn't planning on being there 7 minutes early. Either way, I wonder if anyone is ever a big beneficiary of the time savings.
All in all, this became a little drawn out, kind of like the announcements on an airplane. But to summarize, here's what would be a much more concise and effectual announcement:
"Folks, you can now use approved electronic devices, but don't you dare take off your seat-belt or get out of your seat until I tell you it's ok. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight."
Why didn't you say so?!
