The Greatest Movie to Come Out in the History of Forever!

Is your attention sufficiently grabbed? Because it should be. An opportunity to discuss something this important comes along very rarely in life. So drop everything you're doing (which can't be much because you're glued to the internet right now anyways) and listen here! The greatest movie in the history of forever just came out. No, it's not Pacific Rim or The Lone Ranger, nor is it a sequel like Red 2, Despicable Me 2, or Grown Ups 2. No, this movie never even made it to the big screen. I'm talking, of course of the B-Movie sensation that's sweeping the nation: Sharknado (for the record, I included spoiler alerts, but it's not like I'm spoiling a Spielberg, so get over it).

Never heard of Sharknado? Do you live on Mars or something? Either that, or you are not effectively using the internet to waste your time. Here's a quick summary for you: a bunch of tornadoes pick up sharks from the ocean and dump them all over Los Angeles, and a fractured family is in a race against time to save their lives, all the while finding that all they ever really needed was each other.

Unimpressed? Well don't be. Because what makes this movie so great is that it is perfect in its imperfection. It is the prototypical B-Movie, executed flawlessly. Don't understand? I've got precedent.

How many of you own or know somebody that owns a Snuggie? The Snuggie is the perfect television advertisement. It has everything that makes up an infomercial: catchy name, horrible rhyming to setup the problem, images of people struggling mightily with the "alternatives" (in this case, a normal blanket), the exuberance and ease of using the product, a bevy of uses in which you definitely won't get made fun of (like at a football game), the exorbitant cost of similar products, the low-low price of the product, and let's not forget the bonus gift if your order now!

See what I mean? Snuggies in and of themselves are nothing revolutionary, it's basically just a backwards robe. But that perfect advertising made for a huge seller. It was so cookie-cutter, so true-to-infomercial-form that it became cool to have one so that you could "make fun of it" like everybody else. And now millions of people have fallen for the marketing ploy, because advertisers don't care why you buy their product, just that you buy it.

Now we return to Sharknado. It falls in the same category: the powers that be who made this movie don't care how it is received, just that it gets people watching and then talking about it. This is what a B-Movie is all about, and a perfectly crafted one neither takes itself too seriously nor makes light of itself too much. Don't understand? Well, that's why Brilliant Observations exists. For you see, if a movie knows it's a bad movie, it will contain too much stuff which makes fun of itself. But that's our job! We, as movie watchers, need to be the ones making the jokes about how bad it is! On the other hand, if a bad movie takes itself too seriously, it's almost too sad to make fun of it, especially when some people actually liked the film. This happens more often with big box office movies than low-budget films, though (Battlefield Earth, The Last Airbender, 10,000 B.C., and the list goes on). Actually, in this case, we tend to make fun of the people who liked the bad film more than the film itself, but I digress. Sharknado, however, perfectly finds the balance between an unabashed bad movie and an unknowing bad movie. Throughout the movie, you wonder whether the filmmaker can be so oblivious to what is (or isn't) going on, sometimes thinking that he is laughing all the way to the bank and at other times thinking he has suffered brain damage. And the simple fact that you don't know where it stands makes it so much more enjoyable. You are left to debate back and forth whether those plot-holes are intentional or not, and you get to laugh all the while.

Speaking of plot-holes, Sharknado is the Swiss Cheese of them. In fact, it is what keeps the movie going. This is, of course, another hallmark of the perfect B-Movie. It's almost like a "choose your own adventure," where you get to fill in the back-story and character traits of the people with whom you are supposed to be connecting, because the writers, actors, and director sure aren't going to. Like, for instance, when *Spoiler Alert Begins* the protagonist decides to stop running from the storm to check if a school bus he passes is full of kids. The ex-wife, who is an unwilling yet unavoidable member of the party in the first place, protests and asserts that the protagonist is always thinking about others rather than her and her family. *End Spoiler Alert* Now, this could be an interesting sub-plot, but it is neither further elaborated on nor revisited later in the movie, so the viewers are left to make it up on their own. Now, amplify this one plot hole with about eight dozen more and you've got a very disjointed movie that you can't help but keep watching to see where it goes next, whether it makes any sense or not!

B-Movies are also merciless on their killing of non-primary characters. This is probably due to lack of budget, because it's costly to carry a bunch of characters throughout the whole movie. However, as the movie progresses, you can instantly tell which characters are going to die and how quickly it will happen. The more important the character is, the later in the show they make it. However, if a character reaches a level of super-importance, they will not die. That's just how it goes. Sharknado stays true to form with it's use of characters. There are the instant-deaths (people whose names you don't know) who get eaten by sharks, the pretty quick deaths (characters who get a couple lines and then a more dramatic death), and the semi-main character deaths, which are usually more heroic in nature. Not to spoil anything here, but let's just say you know when every character is going to die before it actually happens (kind of like a sixth sense).

Another aspect of B-Movies is that they have to flirt with the realm of absurdity. This will be touched on further, but I'm talking about action scenes where characters should die, for reasons physical, mechanical, or otherwise, but for some reason the characters are not bound by the laws of physics. The movie 2012 is a perfect example. Among the more amazing feats therein is that a engine on an airplane flies directly through a volcano's ash cloud (where there is no oxygen) and escapes unharmed on the other end. That is either one amazing and magical air filter, or somebody doesn't know how combustion engines work. Sharknado is no exception to this rule. The biggest example revolves around a single character, who, *Spoiler Alert Begins* falls out of a helicopter and directly into the mouth of a shark flying in the tornado (this actually caught me off guard because I thought this character was too important to die, but there she went, right into the shark's belly). Now, this isn't too absurd yet, but about 10 movie minutes later (I'm guessing a half hour or so of real time), a shark falls out of the sky right in the direction of another character. The protagonist then grabs a chainsaw, starts it up, pushes the other character out of the way, and dives into the belly of the falling shark all in one quick motion. A few tension filled moments ensue, and eventually the protagonist cuts his way out of the shark. To make matters more unbelievable, it is the same shark that ate the girl who fell out of the helicopter, and they both emerge unharmed! Well, the girl is unconscious, but she is of course quickly revived. You can take your pick whether you want to take issue with the chainsaw working without oxygen inside the shark (see above comment on how engines work), the fact that the girl had no oxygen for a very long time and also fell several hundred feet to the ground without getting her fall broken except for the belly of the shark, or that the man jumped chainsaw-first into a shark and didn't hurt the unconscious girl inside, it is an absurdly outrageous way to get the viewers laughing in disbelief. *End Spoiler Alert*

Finally, a good B-Movie should also teach you things you didn't previously know. For instance, *Spoiler Alert Begins* that water spouts and tornadoes can form in the ocean; that sharks can actually possess qualities of flight in said spouts (as evidenced by the protagonist shooting a shark in the spout with a handgun and it subsequently falling to the ground); that every variety of shark lives right off the coast of California (there was evidence of Great Whites, Makos, Hammerheads, Tigers, and more); that all sharks are man-eaters (as was their sole prerogative throughout the film); that sharks can live a long time out of the water; that sharks are super agile in the air (they repeatedly maneuver to land with their mouths open directly on people); and perhaps, most importantly, that one can blow up a tornado by simply throwing a 1-liter propane tank bomb into the heart of it. *End Spoiler Alert* How many of those fun facts did you know? Are you ready for Jeopardy! yet?

There are several more aspects of a great/terrible movie that could be discussed, such as horrible puns, cliche catch-phrases, etc., but it suffices to say that this movie hits on all points. Throw in a bunch of celebrity twitter endorsements, thousand more regular tweets about it, and a rumored Sharknado 2 coming to your televisions next summer (this is really happening, by the way), and you have yourself one perfectly executed B-Movie. So if you haven't yet seen Sharknado, find it and enjoy. It is the Snuggie of B-Movies.

Up, Up, and Away... Too Much Arbitrary Information!

Recently, while on a cross-country flight, the pilot got on the intercom system to make his completely worthless announcements (note that some details have been changed because either I just don't care to remember them or else I simply don't want to give real information for no apparent reason):

"Folks, welcome aboard flight 1135093 with service to New Brunswick. We've just reached 10,000 feet and it's safe to use approved electronic devices now. Please remain in your seats until I've turned off the fasten seat-belt sign when we reach our cruising altitude of 42,530 feet. The current weather at our destination is sunny and 92.94 degrees with winds coming out of the southwest at 6.244 miles per hour. Sit back, relax, and enjoy this 4 hour and 6 minute flight."

Does this sound familiar? Of course it does, because every flight everywhere gives the same useless information. Anyone but people with severe OCD would find much of this information very aggravating. As an exercise, let's pick apart each piece of information and determine why it may, or most likely definitely would not, be important:

 "Welcome aboard flight 1135093..." - Who honestly gives a second thought to a flight number? The only reason it matters is when a plane crashes, right?

"with service to New Brunswick..." - Another piece of useless information. If you're on a plane and you don't know where you're going, you might need to get some help. 

An aside: while much of the disclosed information is useful, it is not useful during a flight. A flight number and destination, for example, are useful in finding your gate at the airport. However, once you are on a flight, it doesn't matter anymore. You're going where the pilot takes you. Period.

"We've just reached 10,000 feet..." - This information is almost useful because the next few words are. However, any altitude numbers are completely unnecessary. More on this in a minute.

"it is now safe to use approved electronic devices now..." - Finally! A piece of relevant, useful information. If you are a smart person, you will immediately put on your headphones when you hear this phrase and drown out everything else.

"Please remain in your seats until I've turned off the fasten seat-belt sign..." - Two in a row! While I do feel like the pilot may have too much dominion over the passengers, literally being able to tell them when it's alright to go to the bathroom, this is another important announcement.   It should be noted, however, that people often deem themselves to be more important than the rules and get up as they please regardless.

"When we reach our cruising altitude of 42,530 feet..." - Another pointless altitude announcement! We could be flying 100 feet off the ground for all I care, the plane functions much the same at any height. Why do I need to know the altitude? So I can brag to my friends? "Well, my plane cruised at 45,000 feet!" That's lame, even by Brilliant Observation's standards. The only altitude I might be concerned about would sound like this, "Folks, we're losing altitude at a tremendous rate. Please make peace with your respective deity, and we will be landing shortly." 

 "The current weather at our destination is..." - Another deceptively useless piece of information. What does the weather several hundred miles away matter to you in a climate-controlled airplane? Nothing. This is another case of good information at a pointless time. However, I do have a beef with announcing it at all. When was the last time that you changed your plans based on the weather announcement? For me, I don't walk out of an airport into a blistering hot day and think, "Thanks goodness the pilot warned me it would be 93 degrees. I would've sworn it was 90!" Same thing with precipitation. It'll be very obvious the second you look out the window if it is raining or snowing, I don't need a pilot-turned-weatherman to give me a micro-cast of the area.

"Sit back, relax, and enjoy the rest of this 4 hour, 6 minute flight..." - We'll call this one a push. While flight time information might be useful, it is somewhat irrelevant. You should have an idea of the flight time well before you board the plane. It's right on your ticket, after all. On the other hand, the pilot always seems very pleased to tell everyone they'll be arriving 7 minutes early. This is where it is irrelevant, because what does it matter while you're on the plane? You can't phone someone to tell them you'll be arriving early. You just sit there and hope that they'll be ready for you 7 minutes early. Furthermore, most of the time you arrive "early," either the plane is stuck on the taxi-way or the bags are delayed at the carousel or your ride wasn't planning on being there 7 minutes early. Either way, I wonder if anyone is ever a big beneficiary of the time savings. 

All in all, this became a little drawn out, kind of like the announcements on an airplane. But to summarize, here's what would be a much more concise and effectual announcement:

"Folks, you can now use approved electronic devices, but don't you dare take off your seat-belt or get out of your seat until I tell you it's ok. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight."

Why didn't you say so?!

Define "Sports"

Is there a good definition for sports? I can't think of one that I like. Some say that sports require athletes. Is golf a sport? All you basically do is walk around a field and occasionally hit the ground with a stick. What about driving race cars? All you do is sit in a car and drive in circles. Bowling? Stand up, walk a few feet, roll a smooth ball down a smooth piece of wood, sit back down (oh, and I forgot that you have to wear a silly shirt).

All in all, I think the definition of sports should read like this: a gathering or event in which ordinarily normal people participate in abnormally bizarre behaviors, accentuated by anger, obnoxiousness, cursing, rowdiness, and so on.

This post is dedicated to the crazy that is in all of us. Do you love certain teams? Certain players? Did you name your daughter Lebronda because you weren't sure if you'd have a son and you just had to pay tribute to your favorite player? Then you just might be prepared to either accept or vehemently reject any sport-based opinions from Brilliant Observations.

Why is Word Play Annoying? An Essay

There's something about word play that is so annoying. Why is it? The world may never know. But here's the thing: I can write a short essay here covering the exact same topic as my before written poem and you will take me a lot more seriously now because my sentences don't rhyme.

Why is it that we hate word play so much? Generally, we as people like to feel smart. We read newspapers, we listen to NPR, and we discuss politics with our friends. We try to speak in complete sentences and use vocabulary which marks us as learned But why don't we like word play? By word play, I am not only referring to puns, but any kind of rhetoric which is crafted to either rhyme or otherwise alert the brain that something has been cleverly done. Rhyming is a big part of word play too. Word play, by definition then, is something cleverly constructed before being uttered or written. If we as people like to feel smart, shouldn't we embrace those who employ such tactics? You would think so, but you'd be wrong.

So why do we hate it? If you haven't figured out by now, I don't know. Otherwise, why would I keep asking? Rhyming is especially interesting because it is acceptable in some forms, but not in others. For example, rhymes such as those found in a Dr. Seuss book are regarded as childish and playful, whereas rhymes found in a rap song are anything but childish and playful. It is acceptable to rhyme in music, but if one were to speak in rhyme, listeners would certainly find it annoying and contrived. As for puns: well, people just generally hate puns.

Upon reflection, why do we hate word play? I don't know. Philosophically speaking, one who undertakes to speak in such a manner should be regarded as a lyrical genius, the cleverist (I know that's not a word) of the clever. Will it ever change? Probably not. Should we care? Probably not. But if someone suggests you make a tree and leaf, do not judge them. Puns are jokes too.

Why is Word Play Annoying? A Poem

Of all the many things that can get a person's ire,
A pun can be the thing that really lights a fire.
Egg-ceptional, egg-citing, I could name a few,
Take that "egg" and mash it up, it just might make you spew.

So what is it about those puns that really makes us sick
Where otherwise dumb comedy really does the trick?
A fall down stairs, some slippery ice, a pie right in the face,
Any of these schticky things a frown could ne'er replace.

But if you take a joke and turn it right upon it's head,
You'll discover that the listeners won't want to be your friend.
How 'bout one with the Jewish beer guy, you didn't know He-brews?
How 'bout being nice to dentists: they have fillings too!

It's right about this time in which you'll probably stop reading,
But stick with me just one more stanza, if your brain's not bleeding.
For though a pun is something that belongs in a funeral home,
A pun is just not half as bad as a crappy rhyming poem!

What is Brilliant Observations?

What is Brilliant Observations?

It has its root in ages past. Back when the internet was but a baby, pooping in its electronic diaper. Concepts like Google, Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube were years from developing. Instead we had Netscape Navigator, AOL instant messenger, Altavista. When you needed an answer to a question, you asked Jeeves. When you wanted to buy something, well, you went to a store. A real one.

It was in those prehistoric days that the concept of Brilliant Observations came to pass. Some kids with no real-world experience writing about things that were mildly interesting and then sharing them with the world (or the 6th grade). Back then, articles were saved on floppy disks and printed on this thing called paper (consult a history book). But then, like a sock on laundry day, it all vanished, never to be heard from again.

Until now...

So really, what is Brilliant Observations?

It is whatever it wants to be. There's a whole big world going on out there. Brilliant Observations seeks to find out what's happening and then make fun of it. Because, in the end, isn't that what everybody really wants?

So if you don't like what one post is about, just wait, the next one might be right up your alley.